I chose this Kiwi color without even thinking about it
Our reentry to the United States after four months Down Under has been as good as perhaps can be expected, at least in a practical sense: The flight and customs were uneventful, we unpacked our suitcases and the most critical storage boxes within a few days, and our wedding photos are back on the walls in the living room. Fran jumped back full-steam into work and public service (on the Public Defender Commission), and Jeremy headed off to two weeks at sleep away camp without too much fuss (although he was disappointed he would miss Denver Pride).
Jeremy enjoying camp
What about me? I have met with my students and am keeping up with emails. I am running around Wash Park in the mornings again, earbuds in. I have had lunch dates and brought a grieving friend a home-cooked meal. We attended a rally for LGBTQ equality. I attended stimulating events as a former TEDx speaker, and have had wonderful dates with my wife, including at Pride. But, there is an emptiness, a sadness that is always just around the corner, ready to accost me at a moments notice. New Zealand became a part of me, and she is there while I am here.
Date night: It's fun to come back to TEDx as a former speaker!
Several things have struck us in our new, Kiwi-fied state, most notably all of the people, cars, stuff, and trash. We were surprised how long it took to relearn how to drive on the right side of the road again. One poignant culture shock example was when at a restaurant, a server plopped a pile of paper napkins down on our table, unrequested, and then when we didn't use them, threw them all away. We were horrified. You might expect me to also say "reintroduction to American politics," but we didn't get any break from that when we were away- the Kiwis were well-acquainted with what was going on in the U.S., and there was no escaping the news.
Three huge "rubbish bins" at the park- unheard of in New Zealand!
Bizzare Americans- dollars hanging from ceiling at the Bucksnort Cafe
Actually, the biggest emotional adjustment coming home has been our family situation- We were all quite cozy for those four months, spending nearly every waking hour in each other's presence. Although it took us a full month to get acclimated to this new, sometimes uncomfortable arrangement, after that we marveled at how much we were enjoying each other's company.
The week we returned, we were greeted with the "Masterpiece" Supreme Court ruling- so back to The Capitol we went for a rally.
Once we got back, with Jeremy at camp and Fran at her computer, I am left feeling lonely for my family. Fran says, "Aw!" and gives me a sympathetic squeeze before rushing back to her mountain of work. Jeremy actually wrote us three letters from camp, and I treasure each one, reading his dyslexic scrawl again and again, occasionally coming up with new meanings. I can't wait to retrieve him, even if it means less time to myself.
Pride was strange without Jeremy, but we had fun being childless, too
The things that have helped reverse culture-shock:
1) Continuing to act like a tourist: An American we met in New Zealand advised us to explore new things once we got home. "Continue the feelings of excitement and discovery," she said. Since coming home, I have been to the Denver Botanic Gardens, Golden, The Rhubarb Festival, and new restaurants with Fran. It has helped.
The type of photo I took as a tourist in my own backyard- a sign selling oxygen at a shop in Pine, CO (8,448 ft/ 2,575m above sea level)
Columbines, our state flower, taken at Denver Botanic Gardens
2) People expressing honest interest in hearing about our trip: Thank you, everyone, for watching our 1 Second Everyday video, for asking questions and listening to the answers and then asking more questions. It really has helped.
Fran being a tourist at Mile High Stadium (in her New Zealand gear) with dear friend Morris Price
3) Being true to our new selves: I posted about how this trip has changed us, and most of it is sticking even in our new American setting and routines. We have spent time outdoors almost every day, are walking more, less stressed about work, using less, and for me, still no makeup.
Hanging out with David and Peter, whom we met in New Zealand, at a new restaurant in Denver
4) Keeping in touch with our new friends: Facebook has been a lifesaver for connecting with those whom we grew close to over those four months, and we have already been visited by a wonderful couple (from New York) whom we met on our Doubtful Sound cruise.
Jared Waerea-Hargreaves (and us) after a game with England
And with that, I leave you, dear reader. I may still post from time to time, but I have a new textbook edition to write, students to mentor, a son to raise and a wife to... well, that's not your business. But in any case, I thank you for making this blog worthwhile by reading it; it has meant more to me than you can know.
Jeremy with "his" horse, when we picked him up from camp
In celebration of #LGBTQFamiliesDay, I thought I'd share our experience as a two-mom family during our recent four-month stay in New Zealand. We received many questions both from people there and friends back home about this aspect of our experience, not covered in my other posts about our travels. Here they are, with our answers.
Family portrait in Fijordland
Top questions answered about our New Zealand trip regarding being an LGBTQ family:
1. Did you experience any discrimination? Answer: Nope. We were living in a university town with a population of 120,000 (Dunedin, on the South Island), surrounded by rural countryside known to be conservative. We travelled extensively around the South Island and a bit on the North Island. Everywhere we went we were treated with respect by businesses and casual interactions with strangers. I was impressed with the results of what I call the "flinch test"- when I casually out myself to a new person I watch their reaction; almost universally there was none.
Welcoming sticker on a business in Wanaka
Kiwis are known to be generally progressive politically, as evidenced by the current Labor Party Prime Minister, Jacinda Arden and by the fact that New Zealand gave women the vote in 1893, long before nearly any other country. Its laws are supportive of gay and lesbian people: New Zealand was the 13th country to support marriage equality (in 2004) and gay and lesbian people could serve openly in the military since 1993.
Coloring pages for Pride in Dunedin
Of course, this isn't to say that there is no discrimination or bigotry in New Zealand; we heard a few stories from individuals that showed that there is definitely still room for improvement. A telling litmus test is that we met several people who were still closeted.
Good, ole-fashioned lesbian pot-luck with the "L Club"
2. Did you connect with the LGBTQ community there? Answer: Did we ever! Of course, there is no single "community" anywhere; two groups we engaged with in New Zealand were lesbian and gay families and a lesbians group. Due to Fran's social-media savvy, we actually connected some families in Dunedin who hadn't known each other before -- creating community! One of these families, two dads and a son, had never met other gay parents before. The lesbian group we got to know was "the L Club:" mostly boomer-generation women who have been meeting for dinner once a month at a local cafe for several decades. We had them over for a potluck in honor of my mother's (also a lesbian) visit. It was a roaring good time and got them thinking they might start meeting at each other's houses. We found everyone warm and welcoming.
Our son shows off his creation for Dunedin Pride
"We" are everywhere, of course, as evidenced by some sweet meetings with other queer folk in small towns. In Bluff, the most southern town in the world, we met Xavier, a fellow member of the tribe, who was so delighted to meet us that he gave us a free souvenir and invited us to tea. Because a boy calling one woman "Mama" and the other "Mommy" in public outs us, random strangers would approach us, like the two lesbians at the cafe in Takaka.
The wonderful volunteers making Pride happen in Dunedin
3. Do they have Pride? Answer: You bet! Of course, the big cities of Auckland and Wellington have the biggest LGBTQ Pride events (click on city names to see their events), including parades, but even small Dunedin had a well-publicized week of events. There wasn't a parade or a festival, but every day of "Pride Week" there were several activities, including an art gallery exhibit and a baby-making workshop. We were traveling some that week but made it to the picnic, which was held in the art gallery because the ground was too wet at the park (Dunedin lives up to its nickname, "Mudedin"). By this point, we were running into plenty of people we had met already, including new friend Jenny, who had sketches and journalling displayed at the gallery documenting her full-body transition-surgery experience.
Jenny takes me for a spin on the dance floor during a Dunedin Pride event
4. Are there resources for LGBT people there? Answer: At least in the big cities, it appears so. We were impressed to visit The Women's Bookshop where our son purchased a lesbian-mom-friendly Mothers' Day card, and we got a "groom & groom" card for our friends' upcoming wedding. A quick Google search shows sites for resources for LGBTQ Kiwis, including gayz.net.nz. Equaldex.com lists six organizations for New Zealand.
The card Jeremy gave us on Mother's Day while in New Zealand
For us-- a white, able-bodied, cis-gendered lesbian couple and their adorable son-- being in New Zealand was easy and a joy. Are you LGBTQ and have travelled to New Zealand? Feel free to share your experience in the comments.
When our American family decided to spend four months in New Zealand for my sabbatical, the objectives were for me to get some writing done, make some connections, and otherwise have a wonderful adventure together. We had not anticipated the impact the experience would have on us. Here are 11 surprising ways we have been touched:
Fran relaxes in Auckland
1. We are less stressed
I believe this is a combination of working
less and being in nature much more. We aren’t more physically active here than
we are back home, but that activity has almost all been outdoors and is more a
part of our everyday lives, such as walking to the store. This has led to the
next change:
2. We have realized how much we need nature
Our improved mental health is likely a
direct result from all the hiking we have been doing. We have decided that we
need to make getting out among the trees and water a priority when we get home.
New Zealand may be the most gorgeous place on the planet, but Colorado is a
close second. My already acute love for our planet almost hurts now- I am so
grateful that I have devoted much of my professional life to helping protect
Mother Earth and the diversity of life here.
All my clothes, KonMari style
3. We have learned that we can live more simply
All of my clothes can fit in one drawer
here. All other personal belongings fit into a suitcase. We heat with wood and
hang clothes to dry. Although we are eager to get our electric clothes dryer, central heating, and well-insulated house back, I hope to incorporate living with less “stuff” into our lives at home.
A tiny, typical NZ "rubbish bin", plus all our American junk
4. We produce less trash
Living in New Zealand has shown us just how
much more rubbish (to use their word) Americans produce than Kiwis. Every place
we stayed had tiny trashcans, and it is not unusual for public parks to not
have any- and yet no trash problem. I believe that this is because: A) Kiwis
don’t eat out as much and when they do “take away” (fast food), it is in much
less packaging. No cups with lids and straws, for example.
B) Kiwis each much less processed food.
Fresh food has less packaging (if any), and
C) Most stores don’t give you a bag unless
you ask for one. Some grocery stores charge for plastic bags.
All of the together time that results from
doing homeschool and traveling for days on end at one go forces issues to
surface. It actually amazes us that we
are still enjoying each other’s company after these four months! We aren’t
perfect, but we are much better at voicing hurt feelings and frustrations in a
productive way and thus working through it and becoming closer as a result.
Jeremy still has to tolerate the PMS of two mothers (poor kid), but we can have
a sense of humor about it.
We see education differently now that we
have allowed the world to be Jeremy’s classroom. As my mother says, “You can’t
stop children from learning,” and we have seen what a sponge Jeremy is on this
trip. We are glad that he will be going to a school this fall that uses a
student-customized, project-focused pedagogy. This trip has given him loads of
ideas for “units” to study further when we are back.
My crazy "New Zealand hair"
7. We are less concerned with our appearance
Four months without our 10x lit magnifying
mirror has been a good thing. To my surprise, I have had fewer breakouts and
generally have better skin here than at home. Fran tweezes her eyebrows much less often. None of us has really been that concerned with our
appearance. Casual rules the day, and we only brought clothes we liked wearing.
Since no one around me seems to, I’ve not worn makeup of any type since the
first week here. I’ve also embraced the “Curly Girl Method” of hair care here,
which actually means that I haven’t combed or brushed my hair in four months.
No kidding.
Even if it's local and not organic, it's likely to be expensive
8.We are willing to spend more on food
Meat and produce are ridiculously expensive
here -$4 USD for one NZ-grown avocado, anyone?- but so delicious. Given my
sensitivity to corn, it has been wonderful living in a place where all dairy
and meat are from pasture-fed cows and the sweets and jams aren’t made with
corn-syrup; back home we’ll have to pay extra for this. The produce is so good, we are now much more willing to spend more on organic, fresh local food when we
get home. And we are now chocolate snobs!
Jeremy enjoys his first "fluffy"
9.Our legs are stronger
Between hauling more weight around (see
chocolate, above) and climbing the hills and mountains everywhere, our quads are
pure steel! The increased strength in my legs has been great for my knee
problems, which have been nearly non-existent here, despite all of the
stair-climbing (I guess the physical therapist was right, dang it!). This
doesn’t stop Jeremy from complaining at some point during every hike, but we
hear “my legs are tired” much less.
On the Routeburn Track
10.We
have fallen in love with birds
I’ve always thought birds were sort of
cool, but after living in the land where birds rule the day, they have earned our respect and affection on a whole new level. Since they didn’t evolve with
mammals (including us), many native birds aren’t skittish around humans (see previous blog post for videos documenting this). Thus,
they seem much more friendly than birds in the US, and so also more endearing. Fran
and Jeremy’s favorite are the little blue penguins (that’s really what they are
called), and my favorite are the fan-tails, which follow you around when you
hike, making one feel like Snow White.
Jeremy with new friend, Mango, an eclectus parrot
11.We
are now citizens of the world
It is one thing to travel, quite another to
live in another place for several months. We learned that we can adapt: we can
call a new place home, make good friends, find new favorite foods, and generally
adjust to what feels strange and different. We know what it is to be the
stranger, at the mercy of the locals (and how very merciful and generous they
have been!). As we literally repeat each night during prayers, we are deeply,
deeply grateful to have been able to have this experience.
This is Jeremy's second blog post, another homeschool assignment, this time about the Māori. This is based primarily on our recent visit to the North Island, where the Māori settled more densely than in the south, due in part to the warmer climate there (North=warmer in the Southern Hemisphere).
Waka (boat) carving at the Aukland War Memorial Museum
Over the last two weeks, we have learned about the indigenous people of New Zealand, or Aotearoa in Te reo Māori, from the extensive collection of art and artifacts at the Aukland Museum, a cultural education experience at the Tamaki Maori Village, at Te Puia in Rotorua, as well as extensive Māori interpretative signage at most of the sites we visited on the North Island and northern sites of the South Island. A lot, but only the tip of the iceberg.
Tamaki performer, in Rotorua
Just like in the U.S., Europeans did their best to systematically erase the culture of the indigenous people when they achieved control of the land. Children were beaten in schools for speaking their native tongue, as one classic and horrible example. Fortunately, attitudes and policies have changed, although one cannot erase scars from early mistreatment, and certainly racism persists. One sign of progress is that signage nearly universally has both English and Te reo Māori (recognized an official language of New Zealand in 1987), and in some places (such as in the museum) it is before/above English.
Exhibit in Aukland Museum: a doll and temporary tattoos from Disney movie. Interpretation is in Te reo Maori first, then English, and reads: "The Makers of the Moana movie consulted Pacific tatau artists when giving the Maui character is tatau. But do they lose their meaning if anyone can buy Maui's tattoos and temporarily apply them to their own body?"
It is difficult to say anything about "the Māori" as a group, given that there are dozens of tribes, each with distinct cultural practices and traditions. It is my understanding that the Māori share language and many legends, which Jeremy discusses.
A carving in a whare whakairo (carved meeting house) in the Aukland Museum
Also, they are commonly referred to as "warriors;" it was explained to us by our Māori guide that they mercilessly fought "over land and women." We were also told that while there were some tribes that had female warriors, others have rules still barring women from taking leadership roles or even speaking at certain important events.
I have been struck by the maleness of the culture as reflected in the art: erect penises are a common theme, but I've seen almost nothing I recognize as relating to the female experience- no birth images, no babies, no breasts. This doesn't mean these things weren't important, only that they don't seem to be in representative art. While human figures are common, I have only seen two that were recognizably female (at a visitor center), and interestingly both included phallic symbolism.
Our feminist son was bothered by what he perceived to be a lack of equality of the sexes. In particular, he became upset when our Māori guide at the New Zealand Māori Arts and Crafts Institute told us that women were not admitted for carving.
A beautiful dress made by a woman, out of flax, at the New Zealand Māori Arts and Crafts Institute. Women are only admitted to do fiber arts at the Institute, in accordance with their tradition.
Men can do any activity they liked, but women are barred from any type of carving, which appeared to be the greatest part of the school. Jeremy originally wrote about it in his essay. He also wanted Fran to be the "chief" of our group at Tamaki (each bus/waka needed to assign one to be admitted), but women weren't permitted to be chief.
Jeremy observing a carver at the New Zealand Māori Arts and Crafts Institute
A box carved in the traditional style, at the Institute
This spurred conversations in the family about sexism but also about the dangers of passing judgement on another group. We have had conversations about racism and colonialism. We talked about power and history and the limits of our understanding of another culture. As a result, Jeremy asked that I not include the part of his essay on his perception of sexism in Māori culture in this blog post. Here is the rest.
"What I Learned About Māori Culture in New Zealand" by Jeremy Simon, age 10
The Māori are and were the
native people of New Zealand. They have many different customs, some disturbing
and some sensible. They also had many different stories about how things came
to be.
First let's talk about the
disturbing things to get it over with. One of the more disturbing things is that
the Māori were cannibals. And if you want to know what a cannibal is, then
go look it up, because I don't want to tell you. You’ve probably seen a picture
of a Māori man sticking his tongue out at you. This is an indicator that they
were cannibals; whenever they stick their tongue out at you, it is a aggressive
motion suggesting, “I am hungry and I will eat you.”It is often done in war dances called Hakas.
The Tamaki bringing baskets of food out of the cooking pits
One of the cooler things that the Māori do is that in areas like Rotorua, one of the ways that they cook their food is with volcanoes. The way they do this is by digging a big hole in the ground, putting volcanic rocks in the bottom, and then putting in their food on large trays.
A feast, prepared in earth ovens
Some of the other cool things that the Māori
have are spiffy stick games and toys such as the poi. The poi is a rock or
something such as a sponge (in modern days) attached to a string, with a knot
or a tassel at the end of the string. You use a poi by swinging it around you in
circular motions while looking really cool.
The Māori have many stories
about how things came to be. For example, there was a story about the South
Island of New Zealand. The Earth Mother and the Sky Father had kids.
A Maori wood carving in the Otago Museum
Those kids
were sailing in their canoe to visit the Earth Mother when a terrible storm
struck. Their canoe flipped over, leaving them up on top of the canoe (trying
to stay dry). The rain from the storm was magical, and so it turned them all to
stone on top of their canoe. That stone is now the South Island. The sons are
now the highest mountains of the South Island.
Aoraki/Mt. Cook - the oldest son
Another story I have heard about
is a story about how some rock got to the shape that it did. The story is that
there was a giant, evil lizard. The lizard kept on coming back to terrorize a
town. It came back every single year and killed one maiden. But one year, the
maiden knew that the lizard was going to come for her. So she took up arms and
killed the lizard.She scattered his
scales everywhere with a single blow, turning them to
stone. The rock formations they say are the lizard’s stone scales.
The scales of Te Ngārara Huarau
In conclusion, the Māori are a
very interesting people with many different customs and traditions. They also
had many interesting beliefs and stories.
